Hello Dear Readers,
Please bear with me. I had a cutesy, fun blog post all planned for today about delayed gratification. But I’m just not feeling it. (I’ll post it next week, I promise.)
Today I’m wondering where my confidence went. I don’t seem to have it about anything these days. (Well, not exactly true–I’m confident I can do my day job well, but that’s about it.) My editor sent me a note about my novel the other day. He’s not quite ready to send me his comments on the manuscript, but he wanted me to know how much he loves the book. He referred to it as a “career changer”, and this isn’t a guy given to effusiveness. But instead of puffing up with pride and thinking, “I knew he’d love it! It’s a great book and I worked hard on it,” my first thought was, “Really? I didn’t think it would be his thing.”
I’m even having my doubts about kickboxing. I feel like a bit of a fraud, because I’m encouraging another student at my club and telling her to have more confidence in her abilities, when I don’t have confidence in my own. I know I’ve been away from it for awhile, so I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but every Level 2 class shows me just how far I have to go this year and how many bad habits I’ve picked up. Pardon my French, but I feel like a dumb ass. Every time. Don’t get me wrong–I value the criticism, and I obviously need it. I really want to get better. But sometimes I can’t help thinking, “do I belong here?”
My kru wants to make sure that I am really, really serious about training for the green prajioud and the fall fight camp before we begin. I can understand that. If I seem all gung-ho but then wimp out halfway through, I’ve wasted a lot of people’s time–not just mine and my kru’s, but all my training partners’ as well. And I’m sure it’s not great for morale to see a teammate simply give up. Objectively, I can completely understand his concern.
But then that niggling self-doubt starts whispering in my ear. Is he trying to talk me out of this? Is this his nice way of saying “quit now, before you kill yourself”? And if so, is he right?
When I was a kid, my mom was fond of saying that I could never finish anything. I would start plenty of projects, but always grow bored with them and quit. Now here I am, an adult with multiple long relationships in her past, jobs that she’s stayed with for at least several years, a few finished novels, and a red armband. And I still worry that I’m the girl who can’t finish anything, who doesn’t have staying power.
My kru warned me that to enter into this training lightly is to literally take my life in my hands. And I get that. I really do. I’ve read about the woman who was permanently brain-damaged during her very first fight. And worse. It’s stories like that that deterred me from fighting all these years.
I’m not sure where my confidence went, but I’d sure like to get it back…before it’s too late.
Has this ever happened to you, Dear Readers? If so, how did you find your inner strength again?