Hello Dear Readers,
I’ve posted about this issue before, but it hasn’t gone away. I am still struggling to find balance in my life. When my schedule gets too hectic, my body has an ingenious way of reshuffling the deck–I get sick. That’s where I’ve been for the past two days–down and out, sleeping most of the day but still feeling completely exhausted. Worst of all, I still get to feel like I’m letting everyone down–my kru, who had a specialized training plan for me this week; my workplace–which is in the midst of Spring Break, our busiest time of the year; my novel–which I still haven’t been able to work on since the one quick rewrite I did before getting it to my editor. Not to mention that my house is a mess;I haven’t seen any friends for awhile (except the ones I’m lucky enough to train with); and I never feel like my relationship gets the energy and quality of time it deserves.
As so many of them do, this physical breakdown seemed to start with an emotional one. So far, my training has been an emotional rollercoaster. Whenever I feel like I’m finally on top, and everything is great, I’m in for a crash. My kru has been attempting to pair me with people who are better, stronger, and faster than I am, and for the most part, it has been great. I’ve learned a lot, worked with some terrific people, and been inspired to improve my own skills. But sometimes, it’s also really hard on the psyche.
Monday night was one of those times. For some reason–be it exhaustion, self-consciousness, or a combination of the two–I just couldn’t get the combinations. I didn’t rotate my hips enough on the cutkick; I forgot to put my arm out when I kneed; my leg checks were unsteady and weak. Worst of all, my blocks were consistently too slow, which would have been dangerous if I’d been in an actual fight situation.
My partner was one of my kru’s assistant coaches, and he’s a great guy who’s always willing to help. But there’s only so much kindly correction I can take before it begins to get discouraging. Nothing was ever right, or good enough. When I did land a knee well and remembered to put my arm out, then my target should have been an inch closer to the middle, etc. By the end of the class, I felt like a complete buffoon, which was only exacerbated when my partner expressed shock at how many years I’ve been training. To be fair, he was probably only surprised because twelve years is a long time, but to my self-hating mood that day, he was clearly saying, “Wow–twelve years and you still suck this much?” It’s what I say to myself plenty of times, too, because as a martial artist, you never get to perfect anything. Everything always needs work in one way or another, or as The Boy told me he once heard a martial arts teacher say: “Everybody sucks. They just suck at different levels.”
Lately, I’ve felt like I suck at many levels. I need to find a way to excel in my training without failing at every other aspect of my life. While it’s tempting to put my writing dreams on hiatus for the year, I simply don’t feel like I have that luxury of time.
The only possible solution I can think of is more sleep. Maybe, if I get more sleep consistently, I’ll be able to fit in my writing in the morning again and have a bit more energy after muay thai. Getting enough sleep is always a challenge for me, and while I’ve been doing better, I’ve been far from perfect. Other than that, I just don’t know what to do.
How does one fit more hours into the day?