People in horror movies do some pretty stupid things. I guess they have to…after all, if everyone acted intelligently, there wouldn’t be much suspense.
Still, I love movies where the would-be victims have half a brain and actively attempt to outwit zombies, deranged killers, or sparkling vampires.
One of the many things I loved about Joss Whedon’s brilliant The Cabin in the Woods was its unique explanation for why people in these movies are so moronic.
With the spooky season approaching, I thought it best to provide you with my top-ten survival tips learned from horror movies.
Top Ten Survival Tips From Horror Movies
1. If you hear a scary noise coming from the basement or attic, don’t investigate it. Call the police and get out of the house. Or, preferably, get out of the house and then call the police. Better to look foolish than dead.
2. For God’s sake, grab a weapon. Almost anything is better than nothing. Don’t be afraid to get creative.
3. Once you have a weapon, don’t leave it somewhere stupid–like right beside the deranged killer’s dead hand. He might not be dead.
4. Don’t cheat on your significant other. It’s just asking to get murdered in some horrible way. And if you’re a teenager, abstinence is best. (Unless you have a thing for sparkling stalkers, and if that’s the case, can’t help you.)
5. Never volunteer to check out the generator, the boiler, or anything else that separates you from the group. You’ve just become the sacrificial lamb. This goes double if you’re a minority.
6. If you move to a new home and your child suddenly strikes up a friendship with someone you can’t see, don’t assume it’s an imaginary friend.
7. Don’t adopt a child whose birth records are mysteriously missing. Especially if people are pressuring you to take the kid.
8. If an old man (or woman) tells you not to go to that cabin, house, town, cemetery, etc…believe them. Go somewhere else for your vacation. Buy another home. The regular ol’ pet cemetery is just fine for your needs. Avoid ancient Indian burial grounds at all cost.
9. Maybe don’t buy the cursed object from Ebay.
10. If worst comes to worst and you find yourself running from a deranged killer, don’t turn around mid-stride to see how far back they are. Just keep running.
What survival tips have you learned from horror movies? What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever seen a character do in a scary movie?
Photo credit: Movie still from The Cabin in the Woods.